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What can I do to find out if bullying is occurring?

Prevention is the best cure. Use dinner time as an opportunity to ask your children about school and the specifics of their experience every day. Remember, that your tone and listening skill is critical to whether or not your child will have these conversations with you in an honest way.

1. Ask your child if he/she has someone to eat with everyday?
2. Who do they play or hang out with everyday?
3. What are the names of those kids, and as a parent track if there are any changes in those children day to day?
4. Do they know what bullying is?
5. Are there any bullies in their class?
6. Who are the kids that these bullies pick on?
7. Are you a kid that they sometimes pick on?
8. Does the teacher notice it or know about it?
9. What have you done when they pick on you? Or others?

How do I talk to my child about bullying?

Talk the right talk with the right message to your child

1. I will listen carefully and believe you!
   Your child needs for you to be non-judgmental when you ask them about their concerns. You set the stage for their reaction by your reaction. If you can sit back and patiently listen, they will share more of their own emotional reaction without worrying about your anger, humiliation, shock, or upset. Only when you understand their feelings can you gather information to help you understand the concrete specifics of the bullying situation they experience.
2. Provide them this message: Bullying is not your fault!
   Your child needs to understand that bullying is not their fault and that no one deserves this. No matter what your child may be doing, which may or may not involve provoking a bully, nothing they do makes them worthy of the negative messages of the bully: "you are less than me in some way."
3. I am here and I can help you come up with a plan!
   Ask your child what help you can give them. This is especially true for children in grades two and beyond. (For younger children, having a conversation with the school is very important because they probably will not be able to manage without your help.) Your child has many options, and it is your goal to explore the best course of an effective plan, by brainstorming options and choosing an effective strategy that your child feels comfortable with.
4. Be a detective and document specifics of any bullying situation!
   Your documentation of the specifics provides written information that can be used by the school or yourself when speaking to either the school or another parent. Having this information written down allows you to keep facts straight when discussing emotional issues around bullying.
5. If you choose to let the school know, here's what you do!
   Younger children in elementary school may need extra protection from bullies. The teacher may be the first line of response, and they need to know all the facts of your written documentation. You can also ask for regular communication with the teacher to discuss these issues.
6. When not to report information to the school!
   Older children may want to work out a plan that does not cause further embarrassment for them or create more fear of reporting. You may need to work out a plan that your older child will try before the school is notified. This can be a very empowering experience for them, and be the right decision if your child's attempt at dealing with the situation leads to success.
7. Are there any other tips that I should know?
   Be sure that you don't try to rationalize what a bully did to take away your own upset over the situation. This will only convey to your child that you do not understand. It is also important to not bully your child into what you think is right because this will again leave your child feeling vulnerable and helpless. Make sure you understand what choices your child feels comfortable with before you push them into a strategy that may not be helpful to them.
8. Are there any particular resilience factors that can protect my child from bullying?
   Children who have learned certain skills are more protected and less vulnerable to bullying. These skills include having at least one or more friends who care about you, being a good friend to others and possessing the skill set to read social cues. Children who have learned assertive skills and conflict resolution skills possess behaviors that can lessen their vulnerability as a target. Anything you can do to develop a positive sense of self and the concept of liking oneself in your child will strengthen their confidence. One way to think about this is to find something excellent in your child that he/she can always feel good about. This special quality, skill or value helps your child know who they are even during tough times.